You are within your rights to date this woman, but it would hurt him, and you would do it knowingly. It would not be the kind of behaviour I would hope for from a close friend.
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Without referencing my own opinions about norms and stuff, I would just point to your own words: Have you realized this woman is the love of your life, the future Mrs. Anonymous, and the possible mother of your children? If so, go for it, but do make a point of telling him so at least he doesn't hear from someone else and think you've been sneaking around. He doesn't own her and no one is being unfaithful so it is okay to do something you know will hurt him if that much is at stake for the two of you.
If not, think very carefully about whether you want to do something you know will hurt a good friend in order to date someone who may well be on the rebound. I don't know why this sort of thing feels like a betrayal, but it does, and you should take that seriously. I have never seen this go down without people thinking the new relationship started before the end of the last relationship. It taints how people see you, even if it's categorically untrue. Your good friend will have this thought cross his mind at least once. Do you want to cause this sort of schism in your relationships?
If she's really all that and the two of you are a good thing, cooling off for a few months to a year will be good.
If you must date your friend’s ex, do these things
Build a firm foundation - that's like rule one in successful relationships. If she's just a fling, have a fling with someone else. Be a good guy and walk away from it. I'm not sure you really want someone who jumped from a boyfriend to his best friend of a decade within one month of the break- least of which could be her playing out a reckless rebound. There's virtually zero chance you can have both. FWIW there is no judgement from me here, and no odds-placing. My husband of 10 years was the boyfriend of a friend. We are obviously not friends any more. Whatever you decide to do, don't do it behind your friend's back.
My former best friend had a fling with a then-recent ex of mine and I didn't find out about it for a few months. The fact that he kept it from me made things worse, and our friendship didn't survive it. I didn't expect any kind of "honorable" behavior from my ex, but I did expect it from my best friend. I felt really betrayed by the whole thing. All that said, if you value your friendship with this person you should stay far, far away from this potential mess. Mostly I'm of the "there are plenty of fish in the sea, is this worth losing a good friend over?
But I do have a pair of friends who got together about six months after the guy broke up with another girl they'd both been friends with. Pair of friends has now been married for more than a decade, so it seems ridiculous to say they shouldn't have dated. BUT it did torpedo both of their friendships with First Girlfriend.
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All this time later and that friendship never recovered. So if you feel strongly about this woman, go for it, but know that your friendship with her ex is likely toast unless he chooses to not hold a grudge. I'm very much of the "he doesn't own her and has no say in who she gets to date" school of thought, but while that is absolutely true it's probably not going to mitigate his hurt feelings for the near future.
Wait - Is It Ever Acceptable To Date Your Friend's Ex?
This all depends on how much of a connection you feel whether or not it's truly worth it. None of us can know, that's why the answers all bounce between no and yes. I would trust your gut. What is reasonable is that if you both feel such a strong connection, you cool it for a bit and you can see if it's real or just a rebound and you can talk to your friend. Though I know how hard waiting is when you're really into someone The only clear thing is that you must talk to the friend if you do go forward. Do not let him hear about it some other way.
That's hurtful, demeaning and puts your relationship in the light of skulking in the shadows. The situation you describe is fairly dramatic and the best way to not hurt anyone is to just walk away, because this doesn't end well And while you're walking away, you might want to do some thinking about why you want to be in such a dramatic situation.
What you're doing is, well, pretty destructive to yourself, your friend, the woman, and your ties with and to one another. Like people said above, if this is going to work, it will work later. If you must, you can wait awhile until the dust has settled. YMMV, but i've been in a somewhat similar situation.
Is it ever OK to date your friend’s ex?
Not that we actually dated either, we just started hanging out all the time. My friend was pretty hurt, and it almost ruined our friendship. A few months later the ex got pissed that i was still friends with him and quit talking to me basically entirely, even though she knew at the outset i wasn't just going to quit being his friend. This is the sort of thing you do like a year later.
Is it ever OK to date your friend’s ex? - National | goodcausescorp.com
Maybe even more, if you're going to do it at all. And really really ask yourself if it's worth it. Or at the very least, inconsiderate and tactless. I'm really really not in to any kind of bro-code sort of stuff and i'm not saying that at all here. I'm just saying that the Average Reasonable Person would likely be upset if their friend did this to them, and they wouldn't be a whiny baby for feeling that way. I just really really see this ending as it not working out, or her getting bored, or realizing she wanted to spite him more than anything and leaving And my ex convinced him not to tell me she, somewhat misguidedly but with good intentions didn't want to hurt my feelings, and i believed her years later because she was just sort of bad at gauging that stuff.
When i found out i actually wasn't that mad it happened, just sort of disappointed I only found out because a mutual friend told me in a really roundabout way since he thought it was sketchy. If you are already in this position I applaud you, it is all downhill from here. This friend of yours may say it's okay and they may even encourage you to go for it but this is not how they feel. It is either a test to see if you will do it or a fake go ahead that you will regret. If you ever get into a disagreement or full on row with your new boyfriend or girlfriend you will get unlimited support off your friend.
And, then they will proceed to tell you how they did that to them as well.
The situation will all of a sudden be much more dramatic than you first thought. This will leaving you feeling confused, even worse and on the edge. If you are quite the opposite, cool as a cucumber if you will, the ex may tell you the comparisons. If your new boyfriend or girlfriend lets something slip about their "psycho ex", it will be more than uncomfortable.
What they get you for your birthday will no longer be a surprise as their previous gifts to certain people will start to resemble yours. They have a gift pattern and they aren't afraid to use it.
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No one will be surprised or frankly feel interested in the gifts you have received. Your already-devastated friend will feel more miserable if he sees you together. But please go slow. Let your pal recover a little first before flaunting. No "Am I more handsome? No matter what her answer is, it's going to make things weird and you'll probably end up arguing. You and your friend are not in competition so better zip it, Mr. Likewise, don't ask your girlfriend what went wrong in their relationship so you can avoid making the same mistake. If they share details with you voluntarily, that's fine.
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